Pricey Penny: Ought to I Say No to My Daughter-in-Regulation's Shameless Plea for Money?

Pricey Penny,

My son and daughter-in-law received married in a courthouse after which later went to some island to have a marriage ceremony only for them. After they received dwelling, my new daughter-in-law arrange a reception the place the bride received 25 individuals and the groom received 25 individuals to attend. So loads of my son’s family didn't get invited. 

A number of months later, my daughter-in-law calls me for the addresses of my son's family to ship them marriage ceremony bulletins hoping to get cash from them, although they have been by no means invited to the marriage reception. I informed her it was not proper for her to try this. What are your ideas? 

Oh and yet one more factor: Initially, my husband and I have been invited to witness their marriage on the courthouse, however for the reason that bride’s mom received sick and was unable to attend, our daughter-in-law requested us to not attend both. I used to be very harm.


Pricey S.,

This isn’t about marriage ceremony bulletins and cash, is it? The harm you're feeling is totally comprehensible. You wished to share within the pleasure of your son’s marriage ceremony. You have been shut out on the final minute, however now your son and his bride need your assist in shouting their pleasure to the world by way of marriage ceremony bulletins.

I’m interested in whether or not your daughter-in-law truly mentioned she wished to ship out marriage ceremony bulletins in hopes of getting cash out of family. Or are you inferring that if she’s sending out marriage ceremony bulletins, it have to be a blatant cash seize?

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Marriage ceremony bulletins aren’t often meant as a strategy to beg for money. They’re purported to be despatched to individuals who didn’t attend the marriage or reception, however who nonetheless is likely to be happy to study of a pair’s nuptials. That features each those that weren’t in a position to attend, in addition to those that didn’t make the visitor checklist. However the consensus in marriage ceremony etiquette land is that it’s inappropriate to say presents of any type on a marriage announcement.

So it’s completely acceptable and anticipated that your daughter-in-law would ship marriage ceremony bulletins to individuals who weren’t invited to the reception. It’s effective if she’s secretly hoping recipients will reply to the announcement by sending money, so long as she’s not asking for presents or together with a hyperlink to the marriage registry. After all, some individuals will interpret a marriage announcement as cash grubbing.

A part of the issue with marriage ceremony etiquette is that we’re typically adapting centuries-old guidelines to twenty first century life. Truthfully, I can’t actually see why sending marriage ceremony bulletins by way of snail mail is critical in any respect in an period once we can’t escape from the Instagram marriage ceremony hashtags of individuals we’ve met twice.

However again to what I believe is the true problem, which is the truth that your son and daughter-in-law requested you to not attend their marriage ceremony. Until you’re leaving out key particulars, their reasoning sounds infantile at finest. Your daughter-in-law was little doubt saddened that her mother couldn’t attend her marriage ceremony, however that was no cause to compound the disappointment by asking you and your husband to not attend. Life comes with disappointments. I don’t suppose the recipe for a contented marriage is to verify every partner experiences the load of each disappointment equally.

That mentioned, marriage brings collectively two households who typically have two completely different units of values. What you or I'll contemplate hurtful or impolite could also be utterly regular in one other household, and vice-versa. So I believe it's worthwhile to have a dialog together with your son and your daughter-in-law collectively.

Attempt explaining how you're feeling about each the marriage bulletins and the courthouse ceremony with out casting judgment. Quite than saying that sending marriage ceremony bulletins is “not proper,” strive one thing like, “I’m uncomfortable with the concept of sending marriage ceremony bulletins to individuals who weren’t invited to the festivities. I don’t need individuals to really feel pressured to present cash, so I’m not going to become involved.”

You’re not casting a judgment right here. You’re merely drawing a boundary about what you’re keen to do. Certainly, between Google and social media, your daughter-in-law doesn’t want your tackle ebook to unfold the phrase about her nuptials.

However the a lot larger dialog it's worthwhile to have is about being reduce out of the marriage. Once more, don’t attempt to assign any nefarious motives. Say that you simply perceive why they have been upset that your mother-in-law couldn’t attend, however that you simply have been harm over their request.

Clearly, there’s nothing they'll say that may undo what transpired on their marriage ceremony day. And it could be that they stand behind their actions. However on the very least, you’ll clear the air and ship a message about the way you wish to be handled shifting ahead.

Robin Hartill is a licensed monetary planner and a senior author at The Penny Hoarder. Ship your tough cash inquiries to

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